March 21, 2010
First Time - Excerpts from the original encounter and other thoughts
I wrote a nice long e-mail to someone today when he discussed with me what the nature of cuckolding is and how the first experiences can define someone. Since I finally got around to writing it all down for once, I thought I’d also share the main part of the e-mail. It’s a bit long, so bear with me.
My first experience in ‘cuckolding’ came at the age of 16, with an older girl who was 19. I had been friends with this girl for many years. We met in middle school because we both played the flute in the school orchestra. We got to be close, but we ended up going to different high schools. We lost touch for a few years, but come my Junior year of high school (next to last) she managed to find me on Facebook or MySpace or some thing or another, and we ended up getting together. We had a relationship for a about half a year and we ended up eventually splitting up when I decided to devote myself more full time to pursuing someone else, and at the time I felt it unfair to drag it along when I was no longer fully interested in her. So I axed it, and we went our separate ways, but still stayed in more or less constant contact.
I was mostly involved in the pursuit of a woman who turned out to be a perfect example of the rare element unobtanium. It was completely unrequited infatuation. At this time, my ex-girlfriend was trying to get back together with me, and for the most part I ignored her. One night, my ex got online and decided to tell me a story. She had struck up an acquaintance with a man from just over the state line, and he ended up somewhat insisting that he should come see her. They met, and at his insistence, they ended up going back to her place together. She said that, and I paraphrase as closely as possible, memory has made the exact words a bit fuzzy, “I gave him head. He came a lot, lol. It got everywhere, What do you think of that?”
At first I was extremely jealous, and I had no idea why. I DID give up this girl, after all! The second thing was, “Man, that’s really hot, she DOES suck a good dick…” and the third was an immediate trip to the bathroom for a fast, furious, and extremely productive jerk off session. A couple of days later, I managed to convince her to come over, and we fucked each other stupid. I never really committed to her again, so she kept going and getting together with other men, and that led to me wanting her even more every time she told me about it. We kept it on and off for a couple of years like this, and I still feel like a bastard because I used to string her along with the possibility of getting together again because I wanted to keep being able to have my fun with her.
I could have passed this off as jealousy and me reclaiming what I might have still considered ‘mine’ to some degree, but what pretty much sent it over into me realizing I liked cuckolding was the girl I was after. Like many young men, I fantasized incessantly about the things I couldn’t get. One day, I ended up fantasizing about her, but not about her being with me. I imagined her with another man, and I orgasmed with an intensity usually only associated with those marathon 4-hour slow masturbation sessions. From that point on, I was pretty much hooked. I got more pleasure from fantasizing at a detached viewpoint, at being able to see the whole of the sexual experience instead of focusing on my pleasure and, “Wouldn’t it be great if…” moments.
Fast forward a few years, and I went off to University. I wasn’t the most social being in existence, so I didn’t go out and do the whole binge drinking party circuit as is so common. I eventually ended up with a terminal case of blue balls, so I joined an online casual sex encounter site. I was patient, and eventually met a guy who wanted to have a threesome with his wife. They in turn introduced me to others, and to others, and I had a year and a half of pretty great fun with what it seemed to be half of the town. It was here that I learned the separation of sex from emotion and the pleasure of just pure voracious sexuality. Soon after that, I met my wife.
She was an exchange student at my University, and much like all exchange students, she took this as an excuse to go completely because she knew nobody and nobody knew her, and thus she had no judgment to fear from family or friends. I met her soon after her arrival, and we grew close quickly. However, after spending years chasing after someone I couldn’t have, I couldn’t get up the balls to make a move. It didn’t help that she was roughly a thousand miles out of my league. During this time, she continued to see other men, and she would tell me about it. Never details, just, “Well, I finally got laid last night!” or “I got gone down on, but he couldn’t get it up damn it!”
This entire time, I wanted her desperately, even more so after she told me all of these things. I can’t count the times I wanked while thinking about her adventures. Thankfully, my wife is a bold woman, and she got tired of waiting for me to make the first move and just jumped me.
She has always been opposed to the idea of fidelity from an idealogical standpoint. Early on in the relationship, she told me at one point she considered it her DUTY to be unfaithful to me. She is the feminist daughter of a feminist, so it sort of runs in the family… I said, “Whatever floats your boat,” because at the time I considered her more of a casual fuckbuddy than anything. We eventually got even closer, fell in love, I decided to emigrate for her, the whole thing. So she had to go back to her country, and I had to stay and work for a few months to get up some scratch.
My first ‘true’ encounter of cucking came during this time period. One day, near the end of the period of being apart, I was talking with her. She asked what I had done yesterday, and I decided to joke around. I said, “Oh, I feel so terrible. I had sex with this woman from my job, I’m so sorry!” She said, “Oh, great, me too.” I said, “What?” She replied, “I did it too.” I said “What did you do?” She answered, “Had sex.” That’s it. Just those two words. “Had sex.” I immediately had to relieve myself, because I had never been so turned on in my life.
The nature of the beast is hard to define her. It’s not really voyeurism, because I don’t really want to sit there and watch her. I don’t think I could keep from joining in, and that’s just triolism. I don’t want to call it swinging, because for me I get joy out of her exploring her sexual nature. It’s not just about new and exciting sex with different people. Sure, I enjoy ’strange’ as much as the next guy, it’s a great new thrill, but it’s an entirely different animal than what I experience with my wife. Our sex life isn’t really stagnant or in need of a lot of ’spicing it up.’ It’s not about the jealously or the humiliation, because I don’t even feel that anymore, and I certainly don’t care about the size of other guy’s penis. I am in no way deprived from her charms, so it’s not my only outlet for my desire for her. It is just, plainly and simply, I enjoy the fact that my wife has a primal sexual nature, and is comfortable with this fact. The more she explores it, the more passionate she is, and the more I desire her. She becomes an embodiment of those raw feelings, and it’s purely magnetic, on the most animal level. It’s the single most attractive thing I’ve ever experienced.
For a while I had some jealousy problems, because this was a relationship I was intending to last, instead of casual dating like the first time. Eventually, it was one of my own wife’s expressions that she taught me that got me through it. “Y a pas du mal de se faire du bien.” There is no harm in pleasure. It’s true. The only taboos are self-imposed. Some people argue society imposes, and to some degree sure. In the end, it is only one’s self that abides by them. If you restrict the pleasures in your life, what hope is there to be truly fulfilled? I’ve found that the thing that is most toxic to relationships (other than money, because that’s the end all of problems) is regret. Regrets fester. They boil. They build up until you can only see what your significant other keeps from you instead of what they bring. There is no harm in pleasure, why keep people from it?
To this day, as nice as our own sex life is, I still would like for her to have some adventures on the side. It really gets her confidence up, and it brings the most primal sort of passion out in me. She has started looking around a bit, but these days we’re both so busy that neither of us have the time for much in the way of sexual adventure. Maybe one day soon, perhaps. After all, there is no harm in pleasure, and when it brings such passion to both sides of the equation, it’s a win/win.
So there’s pretty much my wrap-up on what I think of the nature of cuckolding and how I arrived at it. Sorry that it’s so long, it’s just something I never really got around to writing about in detail and now seemed like a good time to finally do so.
So there it is. I left out some bits where I was just rambling, but that’s pretty much it. For other thoughts on my relationship, see my other thread here and a picture of my wife. Let me know what you guys think! Anyone else had the same happen to them?
Submitted by: Professor B - You can see some more responses on this topic here